Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
This is not me but this is me
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops