Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

Grew big

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*