Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU