*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Not today.. 😂
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy