Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

And that about sums it up.

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!