*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.