Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.