*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
everyone has that one prude friend
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.