*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I beg your pardon?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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