Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
yeah no that’s fair
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Bless you
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”