Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
No one:
London landlords:
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: