Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.