*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Good Morning.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.