*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early