Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers