Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
What?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
*updates tinder bio*
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit