Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
(yawn)
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!