*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
The 6 types of sex
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks