*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
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It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.