*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
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Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.