Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself