*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Look, a pure bread cat!
How is it still this week?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting