Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

😂😂

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat