Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“I’m helping” 😅
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
quarantine day 3
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.