Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.