Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.