finally found a reasonable question
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Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Stop being racist to kettles.