@ChappellTracker

finally found a reasonable question

You Might Also Like

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

@sammyrhodes

Circle? Donut!
Triangle? Pizza!
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes

@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@gingerfaced

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

@Scottcrates

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@c12h22o11balls

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

@threetimedaddy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.