Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.