finally found a reasonable question
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*