Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me checking my bank balance online.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
What a website
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.