Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.