Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.