Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her