Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Yup.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

That’s a good costume, I hope.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.