Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
You Might Also Like
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*