Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Become ungovernable.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
