Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
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Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer