Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Had to try this trend 😊
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”