Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.