Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

I am having an out of money experience.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

yeet

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Found the job I’m suited for

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time