Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.