*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
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I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Cat or sheep
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
<- sleeps well with others
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I try
