*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My birth announcement for our third baby
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.