Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My dad.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.