Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.