Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.