Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.