This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Best mom ever 😂
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
cat vs inanimate object
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Very good news from my accountant
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂