ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]