Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

These aren’t even hard anymore.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.