Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Venn

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.