Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

My time has come.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Intelligence is the new cleavage

PER MY LAST EMAIL

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.