Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
Growing up was a huge mistake
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
🤷♀️
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
