Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche