Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all