Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Same post same
and now we wait
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂