Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Boating season is upon us.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.