Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.