Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

TODAY

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven