Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?