Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

We’ve all been there

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

I love you…

…r dog.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.