Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
It’s the weekend y’all
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
