Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Software Development ⛵️

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler