Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Has there ever been a more American story?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
The struggle is real.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.