Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

This chloroform smells expensiv…

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.