Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit