Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

i love modern commerce

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes