Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?