Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

My neck my back my allergy attack

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.