Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

In space, no one can hear…