Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
How tf did it end up there?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
ugh not again
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.