Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
You Might Also Like
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.