Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I’m about to risk it all
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb