Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

this makes me so uncomfortable

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.