Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
*exercises sarcastically*
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.