Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!